I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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