Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
