I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
