that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
