I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
