I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
