woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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