im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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