i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize