11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
