dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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