I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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