guys are only as good as the porn they watch
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
