Yo dont text me then not text me
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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