I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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