Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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