i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
