i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
