im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
