My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
