I cannot find my penis.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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