My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
