I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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