somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
