hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
