He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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