Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
