I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's shark week go big or go home
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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