My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
