the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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