i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
