it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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