So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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