So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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