And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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