i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Randomize