gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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