I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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