He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
