I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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