my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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