I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
