WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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