i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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