it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
well you can't waste a boner
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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