omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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