Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
do nipples grow back?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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