I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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