rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
