I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
