i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
