Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
