Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
