Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
