So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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