Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
