My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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