Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
