I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize