She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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